So this afternoon I took my half-sister to see Twilight as a Christmas present-- it made more sense when the movie was coming out in December, trust me-- and I went into it trying to keep an open mind. Yes, it's Twilight and yes, I've refused to read the book on principles of being a huge nerd when it comes to following the rules.
And great Odin were there things that went against those, the simplest most basic guidelines when it comes to vampires. Number one: vampires do not go out in sunlight. Technically they're not supposed to go out during the daytime, but I can buy a little evolution in the cosmology. They certainly don't fucking sparkle. They don't have "millions of diamonds encrusted in their skin." That's almost a direct quote.
Number two: if given the choice between biting a human and sucking the venom-- I guess I can live with venom turning humans to vampires too-- out of a wound, they're going to choose to bite them, no matter how much ~in love~ they are. During the scene where James, one of the evil vampires, bites Bella, whiny emo unrealistically popular MarySue, Edward-- the king of all masochist, self-hating, emo bitches (and this is of any species)-- opts to suck the venom out of her wrist and tries really really hard to stop himself from just sucking all her especially delicious blood. I hate to use the word "unrealistic" since we're talking about fictional creatures here, but it's entirely implausible. If Edward was really as big of a monster as he always says, he'd have turned Bella faster than fucking pancakes.
Number three: blood and lust. In the only genuinely sexual scene in the movie, Edward and Bella are making out in her bedroom (he's a stalking creep who breaks into girl's bedrooms; why am I supposed to swoon over this kid?) and just as things show a hint of beginning to get baudy, he shoves her away and then they keep talking. I actually had to ask my sister, "Is he just being emo, or did Meyer get something right?" Apparently Edward's just really really whiny and no, she didn't make the connection between sex and blood in the book. Maybe it was too risque for teenies. Or for her. Either way.
All of that is simply Twilight-vampire nonsense. The movie itself was pretty decent; not great, but I only paid matinee, which is about what it's worth. I generally like the bluish tint to more serious movies, but since we're talking about vampires, it seemed a bit overkill. The hair and makeup departments on this movie definitely should be shot; Alice, Esme, and the guy with the dreadlocks were the only good hairstyles in the movie. The makeup couldn't decide who was meant to be dead or not. I'm sorry, but nobody who lives in Arizona is dead white; it just doesn't happen. The vampires kind of fluxuated on whether they were normal-coloured or not, which bothered me a lot because Robert Pattinson (Edward) is actually attractive when he doesn't look like he's been covered in flour.
The movie did seem to flow well, though. No strange jumps that left you wondering, Wait what the fuck is happening? Of course it's meant for people with the mental capacity of a new puppy, so not much can be expected there.
Finally for my main argument against seeing this movie: the atrocious acting. Your main character should be able to act, in my humble opinion, and whoever looked at the girl who played Bella and decided that this was our leading lady should have their head checked. I have never seen anyone so bored and boring in my life. I thought several times, "THIS IS NOT HOW PEOPLE BEHAVE. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" But even putting Bella aside, not great. The most believable performances were by the vampires Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, and Alice (Rosalie almost got there, though they should have explained why she has such a stick up her butt) and Bella's group of human friends.
There is FAR too much "dramatic" staring in this movie. At least a quarter of the shots are of Edward or Bella or someone else staring at someone or something, and you just want them to get on with it. Do something, don't just sit there like a moron!
So that's about it. He should have bitten her, whole departments fail at their jobs, Stephanie Meyer needs to smacked over the head with her own ridiculousness, and I need to go write about vampires so I'm reminded that not everything in the world is shit.
Also I want someone to play a grand piano for me. That was one of the few things in that sorry little "romance" of which I approved.
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