I am witness 19 of 20 years.

Today is my older brother's birthday. He turns 20. My mind, she is blown, but then again I myself am turning quite a number myself in eleven days. Somehow I always manage to throw myself into an intellectual tizzy when someone I know has a birthday, particularly when it's a significant number. For instance several of my friends have been turning eighteen. I am agog to think that I have survived this long, though thinking of all the things I've done, all the things I haven't done, all the things I might have done... I fear for the future.

But for now, I'll live in the moment and smile at the sweet child's innocence of my cousin Delilah. She is two. I wish I could spent more time with her, and show her all the wonderful, magical things that life has to offer. Her fascination with a fish-shaped cup amuses me to no end. I myself can't remember when I delighted in such a thing.

I'm getting too despondent in this line of thought. It's a birthday. I need another piece of cake.



"I remember when people started calling me 'sir'. Like at the check-out or something. And then I remember when it stopped sounding odd."

"I'm waiting to use the line 'I have underwear that's older than you'."

"The other day I yelled at some skate punks. I told them to get a frickin' job."
"How old were they?"
"Like thirteen. And then I drove away laughing."

My two-year old cousin Delilah: "Where's the cake going?"
"I have to cut it up and put it on plates."
Delilah: "Oh, okay. I'll help you!"

"Someone has to go under Mom's house and dig everything out."
"Aww, man. Am I gonna find Penguin's cave under there or something?"

"Do you want some cake?"
"No, sweetie, I'm still eating pizza."
"But you need some cake!"

"Heroes didn't have any direction before the writers' strike. They just flipped through a couple of old X-Men comics and picked out the good parts."

"Imagine this: Jay and Silent Bob and Deadpool. What an awesome movie that would be! Fuck the Green Hornet movie, make this!"

Delilah: [pulls her dress over her face] "You can't see me!"

"Sweetheart, be careful trying to walk all the way to the kitchen with your dress over your head. There are a lot of things that could hurt you."
"I'll be fine!" [bumps into rocking chair] "Whoopsie!"

[Delilah singing]
"It's like hanging out with Mori. ~Everything I say is a song~."

"Delilah, I don't want that on my cake."
"Why not?"
"Because we don't put toys on cake. They don't taste good."

Delilah: "Where shall he land?"
"How about right here? This seems like a good spot."
"But there's no tea there!"

"She discovered her first cigarette on the street about six months ago. She said, 'What's that?' So I bought her a pack."

People Are Freaks. And these are the good ones.

[comes out wearing a tunic] "Do I look Roman?"
"...You look like you're wearing a nightgown."
"I know, it's ridiculous."

"Love is not an illusion. It is tangible. If I don't believe that, I'll fucking murder someone."

"Ms. D, suppose I had a hypothetical friend who wanted more information on cumming grilled cheese. Where would he find it?"


Now fuck it. I'm going to play tennis.

Benadryl-Induced Blaghing

"Be a kitten, Nell."
"Dude, that's my dream."

"It's all about the elephants, Mr. Zatkin."


I've observed something recently. It seems ludicrous the number of young people-- usually under 15-- who consider themselves "hardcore", or in any way badass. For instance, as I was surfing the internet while I was home sick, I came across this little ditty of a self-description: "You fuck with me I'll kick your ass in so many you won't know what hit you".

Now besides being completely devoid of any punctuation or any semblance of correct grammar, this sentence (if you can call it that) made my stomach turn-- and it wasn't due to my illness. This poor delusional child-- whose name is Tiffany (gag) and calls herself Tiffy (vomit up my spleen)-- is fourteen and thinks that she is in any way capable of performing more than mild acts of violence. While this is entirely possible, my doubt grows with every second that I think: she's a girl, she's fourteen, she's probably a scenester, and she's probably a skinny, spoilt brat who would happily blow a musician to brag to her friends that they're boyfriend and girlfriend.

This makes me wonder, besides how much this thought process is influenced by medication, if I was like that at fourteen. Or probably younger, considering most people think I'm much older than I am. Is everyone so self-absorbed at fourteen as to think their invincible and can make non-empty threats of ass-kicking? If you took the average fourteen year old and they spouted off some nonsense like that, I'd probably fall over laughing.

Then again, what difference does three years make? Sure, it makes a big difference when you're young-- twelve is practically God when you're nine-- but how far apart are two people, fourteen and seventeen years old? Or seventeen and twenty? Twenty-three and twenty-six?

And I haven't even touched on the fact that it's the fourteenth of February. To tell the truth, I don't usually know or care what day it is anyway, and this day is no less important. In addition, I spent the day inside my house playing bass and video games, so I guess it doesn't really make a difference.

All of this might matter when I kick up a band, but I doubt it.

I woke up with the power out

Storm season. Lucky I don't live in Ventura, for several reasons. The latest is tornadoes.


"We should get the mob to back our comic!"

[sigh] "Musicians love my hair."
"Why is that a bad thing?"
"Because they're all over 21!"
"So?"
"I'm underage. Underage + overage = no."
"...You're weird."
"What? How is that weird? I'm trying to be moral!"
"Exactly. Weird."

"Muwahaha, my brothers are working out in the cold whilst I am in here warm... mostly. My feet are cold."
"What are they working on?"
"The fence that got knocked over."
"I was more imagining mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on Poseidon."
"Dude the back of his head is caved in. And, oh yeah, he's a statue."
"Yeah, but you're weird enough to attempt it so why wouldn't the rest of your family?"
"...Touche."

"Immaturity makes the world go 'round. That and broken condoms."

"It has that "we're going to get married and make babies" ring to it."

"Moofins, not milkshakes, bring all the boys to the yard."

"Wow. So obviously I have other things on my mind. I wrote a note on my hand, but instead of "TIE" I wrote "TAI", and I'm trying to type "beginning", but instead I keep writing "begging."
[chokes] "Beg, tie, TAI..."
"Totally unrelated." [shifty eyes]

"I'm not ready to throw myself headfirst at that sidewalk again yet."

"I'm going to chain you to the computer."
No technobondage." [pause] "That sounds... painful. And... staticky."

"Refresh my memory: Did the three bears eat Goldilocks or am I just sick in hoping?"

Kids Say the Most Bizarre Shit

"What? Water-snake? Overpowered."

"Turtles incest does not results in two-headed turtles."

"You know that saying 'Man cannot live on bread alone'? Well, if that bread is pizza crust, he sure as hell can!"

"Iz in ur riverz, eatin' ur fish!"

"The king penguins are on the beach fishing, but they're walking right into an ambush."
"Oh noz!"

"What the fuck? Is that penguin fighting a seal? What, is it gonna win?"
"They do have razor sharp fins, apparently."
Voice-over: "Safe."
"What? Safe? What the hell?"

"No! I'm hungry! Tell them, "Bitches, I'm hungry!" and sign off!"

"I'm bleeding with excitement. My blood turns into liquid excitement."
"From your heart? Your eyes? Either way it's kind of emo."
"From my wrists."
"Even worse. Now I'll have to assassinate you."
"I welcome that day with open, bleeding arms."
"...Man, now I really have to kill you."