Best Of: Volume 2007

I hate going to the doctor. I also hate needles. Guess who lost sleep to get three needles stabbed into her arm this morning!

~2007~

“You’re beautiful. So shut the fuck up and accept it.”

“I thought Emo was a substitute sour cream.”

“You know that phrase… there’s a door and a window and some other stuff… you know.”

“He wanted an ambulance-flavoured t-shirt.”

“So you’ve got the chair. That means you have to teach.”
“Aww, but I don’t know anything.”

“Learn this now: Jesuits control everything.”
“Including Wikipedia.”

“Come on, it’s not rocket surgery.”

“Mulan is not a Disney princess; she’s a peasant.”
“Okay, well. How about Nala?”
“She’s not a princess either.”
“She married Simba!”
“You can’t be princess by association!”

"Hey, if heresy is the only thing I'm burning for, I'm doing pretty well."

“Well, you know, sometimes penises are evil. And sometimes they do bring doom. You know, like gonorrhea. Kind of like doom.”

“Well, Emily wants world domination and a bagel, but she’s not getting either, is she?”

“What animal does taco meat come from?”

“But he’s twenty-three and bi.”
“What do you have against bisexuals?”
“Nothing. But he’s twenty-three. And that’s seven years older than I am.”
“And it’s rape.”
“And it’s… yeah.”

“Well, Australia.”
“That’s European enough.”

"It's okay, Will, because your name is a verb!"

"Statutory rape is the cheez whiz of rape. Or maybe velveeta."


“That’s gross.”
“That’s art. Get over it.”

"Gabe, why do you have a cantaloupe?"
"It's not mine!"
"Whose is it?"
"Danny's."
"Why do you have Danny's cantaloupe?"
"I stole it."
"...Danny, this is my strangest question of all: why did Gabe steal your cantaloupe?"
"I don't know!"

"Emily, do I rhyme with violence and pestilence and doom?" *receives high five* "Okay, I guess I do."

“Danny! Queen didn’t show up to the prayer service!”
“I know! Neither did Bowie! I was so disappointed.”

"I like how he felt my shoes."
"It's like Jesus washing your feet."
"...Did you seriously just compare Shawn to Jesus?"

"Shawn, why are you holding a duck?"
"I'm the new Paris Hilton."

"So if the baby's a watermelon, and Jason's the vine, what's Nancy?"
Ms. Nickolai: "Nancy's the soil. She got plowed."

"Concerts are kind of athletic."
"Very much so."
"Very athletic. Especially if you're with Alex and Danny. Wait. That's kind of gross."

"American cheese comes from inbred cows."

"His happy trail is like a happy atomic explosion."

"Well, you go change into your exciting pants and get PUMPED for this movie!"

"So a friend of my friend had size F boobs, right? But she can't get them reduced because cartilege grew underneath them to hold them up. That's adaptation at workright there: her boobs were so huge that her body grew itself its own bra."
"...That'd be like nuzzling a shark."

"Anakin is really really really trying so hard."
"That's because he's a wuss."
"Well he becomes darth vader so. I have to say, not exactly wuss material. Just really really randy."
"No, man. Anakin's just an emo kid that turns into a metal head: all sad because of some chick and then he gets his limbs cut off and is pissed off at the world about it."

"I hope that you are a disaster. I'm sorry, but I do. I hope that you are thunder and lightning. I hope you are a forest fire, I hope you kill the dead wood and burn off the rotting leaves. With the canopy gone, the sun can get in. You need new growth. I hope you're terrible and broken and perfect."

"You liiiiiiiiiike hiiiiiim!!!"
"Ader. Uh der? Uh duh? Yes, I like the bastard!"
"Good for you. This explains the alcohol."

"Should I bring anything tomorrow?"
"A smile."
"And pants."
"Yes...pants."
"And make Jon take a shower. And wear pants."

"His house is so hot."
"His? HIS? WHOSE HOUSE ARE YOU AT? HOT SEX?!"
"This house, I meant."
"I loved that typo."
"I loved how you instantly leapt to hot sex."

"I started reading Ethan Frome, and then I said, even if Atonement is about hentai monsters gangbanging schoolgirls, it's going to be better than this piece of shit."

Every She Wants Revenge song, in description by my brother: "~I'm gonna rape you... on the bus~!"


"There is no boy. I've been calling out to my soul mate. He's not answering. Typical men."
"Is that like 'there is no spoon'?"

"I'm handing out bonus points like I'm a trained fish!"

"Everyone is entitled to their own hippopotamus."

"iPod no boom-boom! Me Tarzan! You... Apple genius!"

"Psh, whatever, man. Perfectionists make better lovers. Like bassists."

"Douglas, answer me this: does or does not the booty go smack?"

"The king penguins are on the beach fishing, but they're walking right into an ambush."
"Oh noz!"

"What the fuck? Is that penguin fighting a seal? What, is it gonna win?"
"They do have razor sharp fins, apparently."
Voice-over: "Safe."
"What? Safe? What the hell?"

"I'm bleeding with excitement. My blood turns into liquid excitement."
"From your heart? Your eyes? Either way it's kind of emo."
"From my wrists."
"Even worse. Now I'll have to assassinate you."
"I welcome that day with open, bleeding arms."
"...Man, now I really have to kill you."