So let's be honest here. Honesty is good sometimes. I know nobody reads this shit anymore, and I'm okay with that. As a writer, I have a compulsion to type things into word documents and put them places, whether on the wall or on the internet. And this is my... 89th post--nothing extraordinary, I admit-- and it's been a while since I've actually posted quotes up here, so I decided a couples of days ago (to appease my brother, yes, a couple means two) to go through all the posts and pick out the best ones so no one every has to do that again.
Obviously I'm insane. And now blind from staring at the computer screen for so long. It'll go in installments, because if it didn't it'd be way too fucking long. But here you are.
~2006~
"And that's why sluts aren't allowing in nudist colonies."
"You're not invited to the revolution, and we're gonna have cake, so it sucks for you!"
"Sometimes you have to act like a minion so you can get into a position where you can stab them in the back and trample on their bloody body."
"Your greatest enemy is...? We saw it yesterday."
"Oprah?"
"If she starts making sense, the natural order of the world will crumble."
"And then where we be when we want to make pancakes?"
"When I was a child, I thought as a child, I spoke as a child and I acted as a child. And when I became an adult I put away childish thing. Until I could use my underage technicality to my advantage in bringing down an example of the corrupt greedy capitalist institution."
"The telemarketers come for my brother... Love, get me the shotgun."
"I played poker with a set of tarot cards once. I got a full house and four people died."
"True, despite your alarming inability to spell a three-letter word."
"I got an A+ in badassery and comebacks back in Awesome School."
"This isn't working. Let's get some infinite monkeys."
"We're all watching a Kevin Bacon movie really."
"How do you mean?"
"Well Kevin Bacon's in a lot of movies."
"Oh. I thought you were about to say something profound. My bad."
"No, you didn't. You passed with flying colours."
"No, that was the Gay Pride Parade passing by."
“w.h.o.r.e.= wandering hostile over regurgitating enemas”
“s.p.e.c.i.a.l.= super punching entertaining clown initiating anarchy league”
“Fight for your right to cuss the shit out’a people.”
“Do the hustle… bitch!”
“Oh, you are me.”
“Really? Which one of us is on acid?”
“A spoon full of sugar makes the medicine kickass the medicine kick ass medicine kick asss....a spoon fulla sugar makes the medicine kick ass...in the most PUNKROXORZ WAY!”
“You know what I want? Techno and strobes for my funeral. It’s a party!”
“Getting confirmed is like getting a level in Paladin, right? Heal light wounds, smite evil. But you can only smite evil once a day.”
“Life is… interesting.”
“Hence the pistol.”
"Now, now. If we went around stabbity-stabbing all the stupid people, who would do our bidding?"
"Well, that's what I get for using demon-based paint."
"All is fair in love and Mexican stand-offs."
“I bet Criss Angel can sneeze with his eyes open. Mindfreak that, bitches!”
“Liberace. Did he have a sister Mary? Mariachi?”
“All the cute guys are either gay, short, 25, or taken.”
“It doesn’t get any better.”
“Then I’m becoming a lesbian.”
“Your brothers aren’t tough enough to punch your dates in the face. You’re more likely to punch their dates in the face.”
“Thank you?”
“Because let’s face it, I do put the sexy in dyslexic.”
“I bet you were badass when you were younger. Be all like… Y7, fuck that.”
“I’m sorry, did I miss a chuck of my life when we dated?”
“There’s not a smiley that expresses my ‘what the fuck are you on’ look.”
“Ha! It happened! Screw you, logic!”
“How many fingers am I holding up?”
“The Asian ones.”
“You’re a morally bad dog!”
“Are you naturally this way or do you have help?”
“Come hither, fair strumpet. That means you, Ian.”
"Finding someone at a show is like 'Where's Waldo?' only way fucking harder."
“Emo Mike Cereal; warning: may cause depression, high blood pressure, and a strong urge to write bad poetry.”
“And the urge to save girls from mosh pits.”
“There’s a fine line between dumb and evil.”
“No stabbing in restaurants!”
“New Jersey is lame.”
“I was born in New Jersey.”
“New Jersey is LAME.”
"If we don't eat the irreversibly comatose, we shouldn't eat chickens."
“You can smack me.”
“Andre, that’s a little creepy.”
“What are your views on cheap prostitution? I think it helps build a unified America.”
“God. He’s such a drag queen.”
“If a vampire is draining someone and they start laughing, will blood come out their nose? And if so, whose blood?”
“My mom heard an interview with Keith Richards and he said he’s giving up drugs!”
“Yeah, he’s a goner.”
“If you could choke on stupid, she would have asphyxiated a while back.”
“So how are you?”
“You didn’t get the hint with the shotgun?”
“Doug, stop being on crack.”
“That’s like trying to stop a duck from being on your wife.”
“I just realized because someone mentioned it, but for the longest time I have completely forgotten about the existence of Belgium.”
“Boys should be like Tomigatchi's: if they suck, you can reset them.”
“Or leave them in a drawer until they shut the hell up.”
“Bowling isn’t fun with you, Magneto!”
“If I had a potato, I wouldn’t need sound effects.”
“In the city, there is a dildo factory and they give tours.”
“Is that a GOYB?”
“I think flirting is a science.”
“Why’s that?”
“I don’t get it.”
“Every time you hear a bell, a fetus gets its wings.”
“I think our friends are a case study waiting to happen.”
“Someone was obviously on acid when they wrote this movie.”
“Oh, the part where Dumbo gets drunk?”
“Yeah, and the… you know… FLYING ELEPHANT PART.”
“Well, it’s kind of a long story, but I almost got mugged and ended up throwing someone through a window.”
“He’s playing guitar. He can’t be bothered with whores.”
“Right. Whores come after we play guitar.”
“The Adventures Of Huck Finn is like How the Grinch Stole Christmas. In How the Grinch Stole Christmas, the Grinch goes on this big moral journey and learns the true meaning of Christmas. In The Adventures Of Huck Finn, Huck goes on a big moral journey and learns the true meaning of slavery!”
"Mister Evans, do we get extra credit if we write our essay in blood?"
“Well, I’m going to walk up the hill.”
“Is that a euphemism for slitting wrists?”
“No, that would be falling down the hill, as in from blood loss.”
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