Best (or at least, Most Amusing) Of: Volume 2006

So let's be honest here. Honesty is good sometimes. I know nobody reads this shit anymore, and I'm okay with that. As a writer, I have a compulsion to type things into word documents and put them places, whether on the wall or on the internet. And this is my... 89th post--nothing extraordinary, I admit-- and it's been a while since I've actually posted quotes up here, so I decided a couples of days ago (to appease my brother, yes, a couple means two) to go through all the posts and pick out the best ones so no one every has to do that again.

Obviously I'm insane. And now blind from staring at the computer screen for so long. It'll go in installments, because if it didn't it'd be way too fucking long. But here you are.

~2006~

"And that's why sluts aren't allowing in nudist colonies."

"You're not invited to the revolution, and we're gonna have cake, so it sucks for you!"

"Sometimes you have to act like a minion so you can get into a position where you can stab them in the back and trample on their bloody body."

"Your greatest enemy is...? We saw it yesterday."
"Oprah?"

"If she starts making sense, the natural order of the world will crumble."
"And then where we be when we want to make pancakes?"

"When I was a child, I thought as a child, I spoke as a child and I acted as a child. And when I became an adult I put away childish thing. Until I could use my underage technicality to my advantage in bringing down an example of the corrupt greedy capitalist institution."

"The telemarketers come for my brother... Love, get me the shotgun."

"I played poker with a set of tarot cards once. I got a full house and four people died."

"True, despite your alarming inability to spell a three-letter word."

"I got an A+ in badassery and comebacks back in Awesome School."

"This isn't working. Let's get some infinite monkeys."

"We're all watching a Kevin Bacon movie really."
"How do you mean?"
"Well Kevin Bacon's in a lot of movies."
"Oh. I thought you were about to say something profound. My bad."

"No, you didn't. You passed with flying colours."
"No, that was the Gay Pride Parade passing by."

“w.h.o.r.e.= wandering hostile over regurgitating enemas”

“s.p.e.c.i.a.l.= super punching entertaining clown initiating anarchy league”

“Fight for your right to cuss the shit out’a people.”

“Do the hustle… bitch!”

“Oh, you are me.”
“Really? Which one of us is on acid?”

“A spoon full of sugar makes the medicine kickass the medicine kick ass medicine kick asss....a spoon fulla sugar makes the medicine kick ass...in the most PUNKROXORZ WAY!”

“You know what I want? Techno and strobes for my funeral. It’s a party!”

“Getting confirmed is like getting a level in Paladin, right? Heal light wounds, smite evil. But you can only smite evil once a day.”

“Life is… interesting.”
“Hence the pistol.”

"Now, now. If we went around stabbity-stabbing all the stupid people, who would do our bidding?"

"Well, that's what I get for using demon-based paint."

"All is fair in love and Mexican stand-offs."

“I bet Criss Angel can sneeze with his eyes open. Mindfreak that, bitches!”

“Liberace. Did he have a sister Mary? Mariachi?”

“All the cute guys are either gay, short, 25, or taken.”
“It doesn’t get any better.”
“Then I’m becoming a lesbian.”

“Your brothers aren’t tough enough to punch your dates in the face. You’re more likely to punch their dates in the face.”
“Thank you?”

“Because let’s face it, I do put the sexy in dyslexic.”

“I bet you were badass when you were younger. Be all like… Y7, fuck that.”

“I’m sorry, did I miss a chuck of my life when we dated?”

“There’s not a smiley that expresses my ‘what the fuck are you on’ look.”

“Ha! It happened! Screw you, logic!”

“How many fingers am I holding up?”
“The Asian ones.”

“You’re a morally bad dog!”

“Are you naturally this way or do you have help?”

“Come hither, fair strumpet. That means you, Ian.”

"Finding someone at a show is like 'Where's Waldo?' only way fucking harder."

“Emo Mike Cereal; warning: may cause depression, high blood pressure, and a strong urge to write bad poetry.”
“And the urge to save girls from mosh pits.”

“There’s a fine line between dumb and evil.”

“No stabbing in restaurants!”

“New Jersey is lame.”
“I was born in New Jersey.”
“New Jersey is LAME.”

"If we don't eat the irreversibly comatose, we shouldn't eat chickens."

“You can smack me.”
“Andre, that’s a little creepy.”

“What are your views on cheap prostitution? I think it helps build a unified America.”

“God. He’s such a drag queen.”

“If a vampire is draining someone and they start laughing, will blood come out their nose? And if so, whose blood?”

“My mom heard an interview with Keith Richards and he said he’s giving up drugs!”
“Yeah, he’s a goner.”

“If you could choke on stupid, she would have asphyxiated a while back.”

“So how are you?”
“You didn’t get the hint with the shotgun?”

“Doug, stop being on crack.”
“That’s like trying to stop a duck from being on your wife.”

“I just realized because someone mentioned it, but for the longest time I have completely forgotten about the existence of Belgium.”

“Boys should be like Tomigatchi's: if they suck, you can reset them.”
“Or leave them in a drawer until they shut the hell up.”

“Bowling isn’t fun with you, Magneto!”


“If I had a potato, I wouldn’t need sound effects.”


“In the city, there is a dildo factory and they give tours.”
“Is that a GOYB?”

“I think flirting is a science.”
“Why’s that?”
“I don’t get it.”

“Every time you hear a bell, a fetus gets its wings.”

“I think our friends are a case study waiting to happen.”

“Someone was obviously on acid when they wrote this movie.”
“Oh, the part where Dumbo gets drunk?”
“Yeah, and the… you know… FLYING ELEPHANT PART.”

“Well, it’s kind of a long story, but I almost got mugged and ended up throwing someone through a window.”

“He’s playing guitar. He can’t be bothered with whores.”
“Right. Whores come after we play guitar.”

“The Adventures Of Huck Finn is like How the Grinch Stole Christmas. In How the Grinch Stole Christmas, the Grinch goes on this big moral journey and learns the true meaning of Christmas. In The Adventures Of Huck Finn, Huck goes on a big moral journey and learns the true meaning of slavery!”

"Mister Evans, do we get extra credit if we write our essay in blood?"

“Well, I’m going to walk up the hill.”
“Is that a euphemism for slitting wrists?”
“No, that would be falling down the hill, as in from blood loss.”

What the hell made me love you?

A question I've been asking myself a lot recently, about a lot of things and people. All this introspection and outrospection is in due cause of Saturday's upcoming events: graduation. Don't get me wrong, I'm excited as hell to be leaving an institution (admittedly running headlong into another one), but the massive change is enough to get anyone thinking. Anyone of my mental capacities anyway. I don't know; maybe I'm not as ecstatic to say, "So long, suckers!" and run screaming away from the people with whom I've spent four long, arduous years.

Don't ask me. I'm just a kid. A legal adult, but still just a kid. Aren't we all, though, just trying to figure all this shit out. Maybe I'm naive or maybe I'm pretentious, but I'm working on knowing. Call me if you've got answers. I'm an endless pit of questions that beg definition.


"Hell yeah, I'm from Africa!"

"You can't stop people wearing wedding rings anymore than you can... well, I guess you can stop naked lesbians."

"She's the herald of doom... with a smile!"

"My dick is always out of commission."

"Matt, no giving other guys' girlfriends lapdances. Oh, hey, Mr. Gavin!"

"It's all about the elephants, Mr. Zatkin."

"If you're turning 18
and you're a bit of a queen,
then eat. a. banana!"

"If you're turning 26
and you like big... marshmallows
then eat. a. banana!"

"Cloverfield was a banana!"

"I know why you're so sad! You haven't had sex yet!... Sex class..."

"Jezebel... how can I forget?"

"Lions are not aerodynamic. Better gel that shit down."


And finally, some words of wisdom.

Mr. Gavin's Guide to College Success
Class: "Just go to it. It'll help."
Cocaine: "You will fail. End of story."
Condoms: "If you're watching tv, and oh! there's a penis! USE CONDOMS!"

I am witness 19 of 20 years.

Today is my older brother's birthday. He turns 20. My mind, she is blown, but then again I myself am turning quite a number myself in eleven days. Somehow I always manage to throw myself into an intellectual tizzy when someone I know has a birthday, particularly when it's a significant number. For instance several of my friends have been turning eighteen. I am agog to think that I have survived this long, though thinking of all the things I've done, all the things I haven't done, all the things I might have done... I fear for the future.

But for now, I'll live in the moment and smile at the sweet child's innocence of my cousin Delilah. She is two. I wish I could spent more time with her, and show her all the wonderful, magical things that life has to offer. Her fascination with a fish-shaped cup amuses me to no end. I myself can't remember when I delighted in such a thing.

I'm getting too despondent in this line of thought. It's a birthday. I need another piece of cake.



"I remember when people started calling me 'sir'. Like at the check-out or something. And then I remember when it stopped sounding odd."

"I'm waiting to use the line 'I have underwear that's older than you'."

"The other day I yelled at some skate punks. I told them to get a frickin' job."
"How old were they?"
"Like thirteen. And then I drove away laughing."

My two-year old cousin Delilah: "Where's the cake going?"
"I have to cut it up and put it on plates."
Delilah: "Oh, okay. I'll help you!"

"Someone has to go under Mom's house and dig everything out."
"Aww, man. Am I gonna find Penguin's cave under there or something?"

"Do you want some cake?"
"No, sweetie, I'm still eating pizza."
"But you need some cake!"

"Heroes didn't have any direction before the writers' strike. They just flipped through a couple of old X-Men comics and picked out the good parts."

"Imagine this: Jay and Silent Bob and Deadpool. What an awesome movie that would be! Fuck the Green Hornet movie, make this!"

Delilah: [pulls her dress over her face] "You can't see me!"

"Sweetheart, be careful trying to walk all the way to the kitchen with your dress over your head. There are a lot of things that could hurt you."
"I'll be fine!" [bumps into rocking chair] "Whoopsie!"

[Delilah singing]
"It's like hanging out with Mori. ~Everything I say is a song~."

"Delilah, I don't want that on my cake."
"Why not?"
"Because we don't put toys on cake. They don't taste good."

Delilah: "Where shall he land?"
"How about right here? This seems like a good spot."
"But there's no tea there!"

"She discovered her first cigarette on the street about six months ago. She said, 'What's that?' So I bought her a pack."

People Are Freaks. And these are the good ones.

[comes out wearing a tunic] "Do I look Roman?"
"...You look like you're wearing a nightgown."
"I know, it's ridiculous."

"Love is not an illusion. It is tangible. If I don't believe that, I'll fucking murder someone."

"Ms. D, suppose I had a hypothetical friend who wanted more information on cumming grilled cheese. Where would he find it?"


Now fuck it. I'm going to play tennis.

Benadryl-Induced Blaghing

"Be a kitten, Nell."
"Dude, that's my dream."

"It's all about the elephants, Mr. Zatkin."


I've observed something recently. It seems ludicrous the number of young people-- usually under 15-- who consider themselves "hardcore", or in any way badass. For instance, as I was surfing the internet while I was home sick, I came across this little ditty of a self-description: "You fuck with me I'll kick your ass in so many you won't know what hit you".

Now besides being completely devoid of any punctuation or any semblance of correct grammar, this sentence (if you can call it that) made my stomach turn-- and it wasn't due to my illness. This poor delusional child-- whose name is Tiffany (gag) and calls herself Tiffy (vomit up my spleen)-- is fourteen and thinks that she is in any way capable of performing more than mild acts of violence. While this is entirely possible, my doubt grows with every second that I think: she's a girl, she's fourteen, she's probably a scenester, and she's probably a skinny, spoilt brat who would happily blow a musician to brag to her friends that they're boyfriend and girlfriend.

This makes me wonder, besides how much this thought process is influenced by medication, if I was like that at fourteen. Or probably younger, considering most people think I'm much older than I am. Is everyone so self-absorbed at fourteen as to think their invincible and can make non-empty threats of ass-kicking? If you took the average fourteen year old and they spouted off some nonsense like that, I'd probably fall over laughing.

Then again, what difference does three years make? Sure, it makes a big difference when you're young-- twelve is practically God when you're nine-- but how far apart are two people, fourteen and seventeen years old? Or seventeen and twenty? Twenty-three and twenty-six?

And I haven't even touched on the fact that it's the fourteenth of February. To tell the truth, I don't usually know or care what day it is anyway, and this day is no less important. In addition, I spent the day inside my house playing bass and video games, so I guess it doesn't really make a difference.

All of this might matter when I kick up a band, but I doubt it.