"Chivalry isn't dead. It's chained up in Oprah's basement; she beats it daily."
"Um, I think condoms actually stop evolution."
"That guy is so annoyingly ugly. And just annoying."
"Rhinos don't make that sound."
"That's the sound rhinos make when they bounce. Have you ever heard a rhino bounce?"
"I'm sorry, little candles in big red glass jars mean Jesus!"
"This is like a ninja tea party in here."
"Women wear these."
"Bra?"
"More formal."
"...Bro?"
"BRAIN LIGHTNING!"
"Sure."
"Sure?"
"No."
"No?"
"Don't confuse my hormones. It's bad for everyone's health."
~
You know, it's sort of funny that all the quotes in this one are from or to guys. Little useless piece of information. I'm full of 'em. Also I dunno why I said the Best Of would have three installments. 2008 isn't over and like hell am I pulling a VH1 and reminiscing about a year (or decade) before it's over.
25 June 2008
Best Of: Volume 2007
I hate going to the doctor. I also hate needles. Guess who lost sleep to get three needles stabbed into her arm this morning!
~2007~
“You’re beautiful. So shut the fuck up and accept it.”
“I thought Emo was a substitute sour cream.”
“You know that phrase… there’s a door and a window and some other stuff… you know.”
“He wanted an ambulance-flavoured t-shirt.”
“So you’ve got the chair. That means you have to teach.”
“Aww, but I don’t know anything.”
“Learn this now: Jesuits control everything.”
“Including Wikipedia.”
“Come on, it’s not rocket surgery.”
“Mulan is not a Disney princess; she’s a peasant.”
“Okay, well. How about Nala?”
“She’s not a princess either.”
“She married Simba!”
“You can’t be princess by association!”
"Hey, if heresy is the only thing I'm burning for, I'm doing pretty well."
“Well, you know, sometimes penises are evil. And sometimes they do bring doom. You know, like gonorrhea. Kind of like doom.”
“Well, Emily wants world domination and a bagel, but she’s not getting either, is she?”
“What animal does taco meat come from?”
“But he’s twenty-three and bi.”
“What do you have against bisexuals?”
“Nothing. But he’s twenty-three. And that’s seven years older than I am.”
“And it’s rape.”
“And it’s… yeah.”
“Well, Australia.”
“That’s European enough.”
"It's okay, Will, because your name is a verb!"
"Statutory rape is the cheez whiz of rape. Or maybe velveeta."
“That’s gross.”
“That’s art. Get over it.”
"Gabe, why do you have a cantaloupe?"
"It's not mine!"
"Whose is it?"
"Danny's."
"Why do you have Danny's cantaloupe?"
"I stole it."
"...Danny, this is my strangest question of all: why did Gabe steal your cantaloupe?"
"I don't know!"
"Emily, do I rhyme with violence and pestilence and doom?" *receives high five* "Okay, I guess I do."
“Danny! Queen didn’t show up to the prayer service!”
“I know! Neither did Bowie! I was so disappointed.”
"I like how he felt my shoes."
"It's like Jesus washing your feet."
"...Did you seriously just compare Shawn to Jesus?"
"Shawn, why are you holding a duck?"
"I'm the new Paris Hilton."
"So if the baby's a watermelon, and Jason's the vine, what's Nancy?"
Ms. Nickolai: "Nancy's the soil. She got plowed."
"Concerts are kind of athletic."
"Very much so."
"Very athletic. Especially if you're with Alex and Danny. Wait. That's kind of gross."
"American cheese comes from inbred cows."
"His happy trail is like a happy atomic explosion."
"Well, you go change into your exciting pants and get PUMPED for this movie!"
"So a friend of my friend had size F boobs, right? But she can't get them reduced because cartilege grew underneath them to hold them up. That's adaptation at workright there: her boobs were so huge that her body grew itself its own bra."
"...That'd be like nuzzling a shark."
"Anakin is really really really trying so hard."
"That's because he's a wuss."
"Well he becomes darth vader so. I have to say, not exactly wuss material. Just really really randy."
"No, man. Anakin's just an emo kid that turns into a metal head: all sad because of some chick and then he gets his limbs cut off and is pissed off at the world about it."
"I hope that you are a disaster. I'm sorry, but I do. I hope that you are thunder and lightning. I hope you are a forest fire, I hope you kill the dead wood and burn off the rotting leaves. With the canopy gone, the sun can get in. You need new growth. I hope you're terrible and broken and perfect."
"You liiiiiiiiiike hiiiiiim!!!"
"Ader. Uh der? Uh duh? Yes, I like the bastard!"
"Good for you. This explains the alcohol."
"Should I bring anything tomorrow?"
"A smile."
"And pants."
"Yes...pants."
"And make Jon take a shower. And wear pants."
"His house is so hot."
"His? HIS? WHOSE HOUSE ARE YOU AT? HOT SEX?!"
"This house, I meant."
"I loved that typo."
"I loved how you instantly leapt to hot sex."
"I started reading Ethan Frome, and then I said, even if Atonement is about hentai monsters gangbanging schoolgirls, it's going to be better than this piece of shit."
Every She Wants Revenge song, in description by my brother: "~I'm gonna rape you... on the bus~!"
"There is no boy. I've been calling out to my soul mate. He's not answering. Typical men."
"Is that like 'there is no spoon'?"
"I'm handing out bonus points like I'm a trained fish!"
"Everyone is entitled to their own hippopotamus."
"iPod no boom-boom! Me Tarzan! You... Apple genius!"
"Psh, whatever, man. Perfectionists make better lovers. Like bassists."
"Douglas, answer me this: does or does not the booty go smack?"
"The king penguins are on the beach fishing, but they're walking right into an ambush."
"Oh noz!"
"What the fuck? Is that penguin fighting a seal? What, is it gonna win?"
"They do have razor sharp fins, apparently."
Voice-over: "Safe."
"What? Safe? What the hell?"
"I'm bleeding with excitement. My blood turns into liquid excitement."
"From your heart? Your eyes? Either way it's kind of emo."
"From my wrists."
"Even worse. Now I'll have to assassinate you."
"I welcome that day with open, bleeding arms."
"...Man, now I really have to kill you."
~2007~
“You’re beautiful. So shut the fuck up and accept it.”
“I thought Emo was a substitute sour cream.”
“You know that phrase… there’s a door and a window and some other stuff… you know.”
“He wanted an ambulance-flavoured t-shirt.”
“So you’ve got the chair. That means you have to teach.”
“Aww, but I don’t know anything.”
“Learn this now: Jesuits control everything.”
“Including Wikipedia.”
“Come on, it’s not rocket surgery.”
“Mulan is not a Disney princess; she’s a peasant.”
“Okay, well. How about Nala?”
“She’s not a princess either.”
“She married Simba!”
“You can’t be princess by association!”
"Hey, if heresy is the only thing I'm burning for, I'm doing pretty well."
“Well, you know, sometimes penises are evil. And sometimes they do bring doom. You know, like gonorrhea. Kind of like doom.”
“Well, Emily wants world domination and a bagel, but she’s not getting either, is she?”
“What animal does taco meat come from?”
“But he’s twenty-three and bi.”
“What do you have against bisexuals?”
“Nothing. But he’s twenty-three. And that’s seven years older than I am.”
“And it’s rape.”
“And it’s… yeah.”
“Well, Australia.”
“That’s European enough.”
"It's okay, Will, because your name is a verb!"
"Statutory rape is the cheez whiz of rape. Or maybe velveeta."
“That’s gross.”
“That’s art. Get over it.”
"Gabe, why do you have a cantaloupe?"
"It's not mine!"
"Whose is it?"
"Danny's."
"Why do you have Danny's cantaloupe?"
"I stole it."
"...Danny, this is my strangest question of all: why did Gabe steal your cantaloupe?"
"I don't know!"
"Emily, do I rhyme with violence and pestilence and doom?" *receives high five* "Okay, I guess I do."
“Danny! Queen didn’t show up to the prayer service!”
“I know! Neither did Bowie! I was so disappointed.”
"I like how he felt my shoes."
"It's like Jesus washing your feet."
"...Did you seriously just compare Shawn to Jesus?"
"Shawn, why are you holding a duck?"
"I'm the new Paris Hilton."
"So if the baby's a watermelon, and Jason's the vine, what's Nancy?"
Ms. Nickolai: "Nancy's the soil. She got plowed."
"Concerts are kind of athletic."
"Very much so."
"Very athletic. Especially if you're with Alex and Danny. Wait. That's kind of gross."
"American cheese comes from inbred cows."
"His happy trail is like a happy atomic explosion."
"Well, you go change into your exciting pants and get PUMPED for this movie!"
"So a friend of my friend had size F boobs, right? But she can't get them reduced because cartilege grew underneath them to hold them up. That's adaptation at workright there: her boobs were so huge that her body grew itself its own bra."
"...That'd be like nuzzling a shark."
"Anakin is really really really trying so hard."
"That's because he's a wuss."
"Well he becomes darth vader so. I have to say, not exactly wuss material. Just really really randy."
"No, man. Anakin's just an emo kid that turns into a metal head: all sad because of some chick and then he gets his limbs cut off and is pissed off at the world about it."
"I hope that you are a disaster. I'm sorry, but I do. I hope that you are thunder and lightning. I hope you are a forest fire, I hope you kill the dead wood and burn off the rotting leaves. With the canopy gone, the sun can get in. You need new growth. I hope you're terrible and broken and perfect."
"You liiiiiiiiiike hiiiiiim!!!"
"Ader. Uh der? Uh duh? Yes, I like the bastard!"
"Good for you. This explains the alcohol."
"Should I bring anything tomorrow?"
"A smile."
"And pants."
"Yes...pants."
"And make Jon take a shower. And wear pants."
"His house is so hot."
"His? HIS? WHOSE HOUSE ARE YOU AT? HOT SEX?!"
"This house, I meant."
"I loved that typo."
"I loved how you instantly leapt to hot sex."
"I started reading Ethan Frome, and then I said, even if Atonement is about hentai monsters gangbanging schoolgirls, it's going to be better than this piece of shit."
Every She Wants Revenge song, in description by my brother: "~I'm gonna rape you... on the bus~!"
"There is no boy. I've been calling out to my soul mate. He's not answering. Typical men."
"Is that like 'there is no spoon'?"
"I'm handing out bonus points like I'm a trained fish!"
"Everyone is entitled to their own hippopotamus."
"iPod no boom-boom! Me Tarzan! You... Apple genius!"
"Psh, whatever, man. Perfectionists make better lovers. Like bassists."
"Douglas, answer me this: does or does not the booty go smack?"
"The king penguins are on the beach fishing, but they're walking right into an ambush."
"Oh noz!"
"What the fuck? Is that penguin fighting a seal? What, is it gonna win?"
"They do have razor sharp fins, apparently."
Voice-over: "Safe."
"What? Safe? What the hell?"
"I'm bleeding with excitement. My blood turns into liquid excitement."
"From your heart? Your eyes? Either way it's kind of emo."
"From my wrists."
"Even worse. Now I'll have to assassinate you."
"I welcome that day with open, bleeding arms."
"...Man, now I really have to kill you."
20 June 2008
Best (or at least, Most Amusing) Of: Volume 2006
So let's be honest here. Honesty is good sometimes. I know nobody reads this shit anymore, and I'm okay with that. As a writer, I have a compulsion to type things into word documents and put them places, whether on the wall or on the internet. And this is my... 89th post--nothing extraordinary, I admit-- and it's been a while since I've actually posted quotes up here, so I decided a couples of days ago (to appease my brother, yes, a couple means two) to go through all the posts and pick out the best ones so no one every has to do that again.
Obviously I'm insane. And now blind from staring at the computer screen for so long. It'll go in installments, because if it didn't it'd be way too fucking long. But here you are.
~2006~
"And that's why sluts aren't allowing in nudist colonies."
"You're not invited to the revolution, and we're gonna have cake, so it sucks for you!"
"Sometimes you have to act like a minion so you can get into a position where you can stab them in the back and trample on their bloody body."
"Your greatest enemy is...? We saw it yesterday."
"Oprah?"
"If she starts making sense, the natural order of the world will crumble."
"And then where we be when we want to make pancakes?"
"When I was a child, I thought as a child, I spoke as a child and I acted as a child. And when I became an adult I put away childish thing. Until I could use my underage technicality to my advantage in bringing down an example of the corrupt greedy capitalist institution."
"The telemarketers come for my brother... Love, get me the shotgun."
"I played poker with a set of tarot cards once. I got a full house and four people died."
"True, despite your alarming inability to spell a three-letter word."
"I got an A+ in badassery and comebacks back in Awesome School."
"This isn't working. Let's get some infinite monkeys."
"We're all watching a Kevin Bacon movie really."
"How do you mean?"
"Well Kevin Bacon's in a lot of movies."
"Oh. I thought you were about to say something profound. My bad."
"No, you didn't. You passed with flying colours."
"No, that was the Gay Pride Parade passing by."
“w.h.o.r.e.= wandering hostile over regurgitating enemas”
“s.p.e.c.i.a.l.= super punching entertaining clown initiating anarchy league”
“Fight for your right to cuss the shit out’a people.”
“Do the hustle… bitch!”
“Oh, you are me.”
“Really? Which one of us is on acid?”
“A spoon full of sugar makes the medicine kickass the medicine kick ass medicine kick asss....a spoon fulla sugar makes the medicine kick ass...in the most PUNKROXORZ WAY!”
“You know what I want? Techno and strobes for my funeral. It’s a party!”
“Getting confirmed is like getting a level in Paladin, right? Heal light wounds, smite evil. But you can only smite evil once a day.”
“Life is… interesting.”
“Hence the pistol.”
"Now, now. If we went around stabbity-stabbing all the stupid people, who would do our bidding?"
"Well, that's what I get for using demon-based paint."
"All is fair in love and Mexican stand-offs."
“I bet Criss Angel can sneeze with his eyes open. Mindfreak that, bitches!”
“Liberace. Did he have a sister Mary? Mariachi?”
“All the cute guys are either gay, short, 25, or taken.”
“It doesn’t get any better.”
“Then I’m becoming a lesbian.”
“Your brothers aren’t tough enough to punch your dates in the face. You’re more likely to punch their dates in the face.”
“Thank you?”
“Because let’s face it, I do put the sexy in dyslexic.”
“I bet you were badass when you were younger. Be all like… Y7, fuck that.”
“I’m sorry, did I miss a chuck of my life when we dated?”
“There’s not a smiley that expresses my ‘what the fuck are you on’ look.”
“Ha! It happened! Screw you, logic!”
“How many fingers am I holding up?”
“The Asian ones.”
“You’re a morally bad dog!”
“Are you naturally this way or do you have help?”
“Come hither, fair strumpet. That means you, Ian.”
"Finding someone at a show is like 'Where's Waldo?' only way fucking harder."
“Emo Mike Cereal; warning: may cause depression, high blood pressure, and a strong urge to write bad poetry.”
“And the urge to save girls from mosh pits.”
“There’s a fine line between dumb and evil.”
“No stabbing in restaurants!”
“New Jersey is lame.”
“I was born in New Jersey.”
“New Jersey is LAME.”
"If we don't eat the irreversibly comatose, we shouldn't eat chickens."
“You can smack me.”
“Andre, that’s a little creepy.”
“What are your views on cheap prostitution? I think it helps build a unified America.”
“God. He’s such a drag queen.”
“If a vampire is draining someone and they start laughing, will blood come out their nose? And if so, whose blood?”
“My mom heard an interview with Keith Richards and he said he’s giving up drugs!”
“Yeah, he’s a goner.”
“If you could choke on stupid, she would have asphyxiated a while back.”
“So how are you?”
“You didn’t get the hint with the shotgun?”
“Doug, stop being on crack.”
“That’s like trying to stop a duck from being on your wife.”
“I just realized because someone mentioned it, but for the longest time I have completely forgotten about the existence of Belgium.”
“Boys should be like Tomigatchi's: if they suck, you can reset them.”
“Or leave them in a drawer until they shut the hell up.”
“Bowling isn’t fun with you, Magneto!”
“If I had a potato, I wouldn’t need sound effects.”
“In the city, there is a dildo factory and they give tours.”
“Is that a GOYB?”
“I think flirting is a science.”
“Why’s that?”
“I don’t get it.”
“Every time you hear a bell, a fetus gets its wings.”
“I think our friends are a case study waiting to happen.”
“Someone was obviously on acid when they wrote this movie.”
“Oh, the part where Dumbo gets drunk?”
“Yeah, and the… you know… FLYING ELEPHANT PART.”
“Well, it’s kind of a long story, but I almost got mugged and ended up throwing someone through a window.”
“He’s playing guitar. He can’t be bothered with whores.”
“Right. Whores come after we play guitar.”
“The Adventures Of Huck Finn is like How the Grinch Stole Christmas. In How the Grinch Stole Christmas, the Grinch goes on this big moral journey and learns the true meaning of Christmas. In The Adventures Of Huck Finn, Huck goes on a big moral journey and learns the true meaning of slavery!”
"Mister Evans, do we get extra credit if we write our essay in blood?"
“Well, I’m going to walk up the hill.”
“Is that a euphemism for slitting wrists?”
“No, that would be falling down the hill, as in from blood loss.”
Obviously I'm insane. And now blind from staring at the computer screen for so long. It'll go in installments, because if it didn't it'd be way too fucking long. But here you are.
~2006~
"And that's why sluts aren't allowing in nudist colonies."
"You're not invited to the revolution, and we're gonna have cake, so it sucks for you!"
"Sometimes you have to act like a minion so you can get into a position where you can stab them in the back and trample on their bloody body."
"Your greatest enemy is...? We saw it yesterday."
"Oprah?"
"If she starts making sense, the natural order of the world will crumble."
"And then where we be when we want to make pancakes?"
"When I was a child, I thought as a child, I spoke as a child and I acted as a child. And when I became an adult I put away childish thing. Until I could use my underage technicality to my advantage in bringing down an example of the corrupt greedy capitalist institution."
"The telemarketers come for my brother... Love, get me the shotgun."
"I played poker with a set of tarot cards once. I got a full house and four people died."
"True, despite your alarming inability to spell a three-letter word."
"I got an A+ in badassery and comebacks back in Awesome School."
"This isn't working. Let's get some infinite monkeys."
"We're all watching a Kevin Bacon movie really."
"How do you mean?"
"Well Kevin Bacon's in a lot of movies."
"Oh. I thought you were about to say something profound. My bad."
"No, you didn't. You passed with flying colours."
"No, that was the Gay Pride Parade passing by."
“w.h.o.r.e.= wandering hostile over regurgitating enemas”
“s.p.e.c.i.a.l.= super punching entertaining clown initiating anarchy league”
“Fight for your right to cuss the shit out’a people.”
“Do the hustle… bitch!”
“Oh, you are me.”
“Really? Which one of us is on acid?”
“A spoon full of sugar makes the medicine kickass the medicine kick ass medicine kick asss....a spoon fulla sugar makes the medicine kick ass...in the most PUNKROXORZ WAY!”
“You know what I want? Techno and strobes for my funeral. It’s a party!”
“Getting confirmed is like getting a level in Paladin, right? Heal light wounds, smite evil. But you can only smite evil once a day.”
“Life is… interesting.”
“Hence the pistol.”
"Now, now. If we went around stabbity-stabbing all the stupid people, who would do our bidding?"
"Well, that's what I get for using demon-based paint."
"All is fair in love and Mexican stand-offs."
“I bet Criss Angel can sneeze with his eyes open. Mindfreak that, bitches!”
“Liberace. Did he have a sister Mary? Mariachi?”
“All the cute guys are either gay, short, 25, or taken.”
“It doesn’t get any better.”
“Then I’m becoming a lesbian.”
“Your brothers aren’t tough enough to punch your dates in the face. You’re more likely to punch their dates in the face.”
“Thank you?”
“Because let’s face it, I do put the sexy in dyslexic.”
“I bet you were badass when you were younger. Be all like… Y7, fuck that.”
“I’m sorry, did I miss a chuck of my life when we dated?”
“There’s not a smiley that expresses my ‘what the fuck are you on’ look.”
“Ha! It happened! Screw you, logic!”
“How many fingers am I holding up?”
“The Asian ones.”
“You’re a morally bad dog!”
“Are you naturally this way or do you have help?”
“Come hither, fair strumpet. That means you, Ian.”
"Finding someone at a show is like 'Where's Waldo?' only way fucking harder."
“Emo Mike Cereal; warning: may cause depression, high blood pressure, and a strong urge to write bad poetry.”
“And the urge to save girls from mosh pits.”
“There’s a fine line between dumb and evil.”
“No stabbing in restaurants!”
“New Jersey is lame.”
“I was born in New Jersey.”
“New Jersey is LAME.”
"If we don't eat the irreversibly comatose, we shouldn't eat chickens."
“You can smack me.”
“Andre, that’s a little creepy.”
“What are your views on cheap prostitution? I think it helps build a unified America.”
“God. He’s such a drag queen.”
“If a vampire is draining someone and they start laughing, will blood come out their nose? And if so, whose blood?”
“My mom heard an interview with Keith Richards and he said he’s giving up drugs!”
“Yeah, he’s a goner.”
“If you could choke on stupid, she would have asphyxiated a while back.”
“So how are you?”
“You didn’t get the hint with the shotgun?”
“Doug, stop being on crack.”
“That’s like trying to stop a duck from being on your wife.”
“I just realized because someone mentioned it, but for the longest time I have completely forgotten about the existence of Belgium.”
“Boys should be like Tomigatchi's: if they suck, you can reset them.”
“Or leave them in a drawer until they shut the hell up.”
“Bowling isn’t fun with you, Magneto!”
“If I had a potato, I wouldn’t need sound effects.”
“In the city, there is a dildo factory and they give tours.”
“Is that a GOYB?”
“I think flirting is a science.”
“Why’s that?”
“I don’t get it.”
“Every time you hear a bell, a fetus gets its wings.”
“I think our friends are a case study waiting to happen.”
“Someone was obviously on acid when they wrote this movie.”
“Oh, the part where Dumbo gets drunk?”
“Yeah, and the… you know… FLYING ELEPHANT PART.”
“Well, it’s kind of a long story, but I almost got mugged and ended up throwing someone through a window.”
“He’s playing guitar. He can’t be bothered with whores.”
“Right. Whores come after we play guitar.”
“The Adventures Of Huck Finn is like How the Grinch Stole Christmas. In How the Grinch Stole Christmas, the Grinch goes on this big moral journey and learns the true meaning of Christmas. In The Adventures Of Huck Finn, Huck goes on a big moral journey and learns the true meaning of slavery!”
"Mister Evans, do we get extra credit if we write our essay in blood?"
“Well, I’m going to walk up the hill.”
“Is that a euphemism for slitting wrists?”
“No, that would be falling down the hill, as in from blood loss.”
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