Twilight: A Review, or Can I Please Smack Stephanie Meyer?

So this afternoon I took my half-sister to see Twilight as a Christmas present-- it made more sense when the movie was coming out in December, trust me-- and I went into it trying to keep an open mind. Yes, it's Twilight and yes, I've refused to read the book on principles of being a huge nerd when it comes to following the rules.

And great Odin were there things that went against those, the simplest most basic guidelines when it comes to vampires. Number one: vampires do not go out in sunlight. Technically they're not supposed to go out during the daytime, but I can buy a little evolution in the cosmology. They certainly don't fucking sparkle. They don't have "millions of diamonds encrusted in their skin." That's almost a direct quote.

Number two: if given the choice between biting a human and sucking the venom-- I guess I can live with venom turning humans to vampires too-- out of a wound, they're going to choose to bite them, no matter how much ~in love~ they are. During the scene where James, one of the evil vampires, bites Bella, whiny emo unrealistically popular MarySue, Edward-- the king of all masochist, self-hating, emo bitches (and this is of any species)-- opts to suck the venom out of her wrist and tries really really hard to stop himself from just sucking all her especially delicious blood. I hate to use the word "unrealistic" since we're talking about fictional creatures here, but it's entirely implausible. If Edward was really as big of a monster as he always says, he'd have turned Bella faster than fucking pancakes.

Number three: blood and lust. In the only genuinely sexual scene in the movie, Edward and Bella are making out in her bedroom (he's a stalking creep who breaks into girl's bedrooms; why am I supposed to swoon over this kid?) and just as things show a hint of beginning to get baudy, he shoves her away and then they keep talking. I actually had to ask my sister, "Is he just being emo, or did Meyer get something right?" Apparently Edward's just really really whiny and no, she didn't make the connection between sex and blood in the book. Maybe it was too risque for teenies. Or for her. Either way.

All of that is simply Twilight-vampire nonsense. The movie itself was pretty decent; not great, but I only paid matinee, which is about what it's worth. I generally like the bluish tint to more serious movies, but since we're talking about vampires, it seemed a bit overkill. The hair and makeup departments on this movie definitely should be shot; Alice, Esme, and the guy with the dreadlocks were the only good hairstyles in the movie. The makeup couldn't decide who was meant to be dead or not. I'm sorry, but nobody who lives in Arizona is dead white; it just doesn't happen. The vampires kind of fluxuated on whether they were normal-coloured or not, which bothered me a lot because Robert Pattinson (Edward) is actually attractive when he doesn't look like he's been covered in flour.

The movie did seem to flow well, though. No strange jumps that left you wondering, Wait what the fuck is happening? Of course it's meant for people with the mental capacity of a new puppy, so not much can be expected there.

Finally for my main argument against seeing this movie: the atrocious acting. Your main character should be able to act, in my humble opinion, and whoever looked at the girl who played Bella and decided that this was our leading lady should have their head checked. I have never seen anyone so bored and boring in my life. I thought several times, "THIS IS NOT HOW PEOPLE BEHAVE. WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?" But even putting Bella aside, not great. The most believable performances were by the vampires Carlisle, Esme, Jasper, and Alice (Rosalie almost got there, though they should have explained why she has such a stick up her butt) and Bella's group of human friends.

There is FAR too much "dramatic" staring in this movie. At least a quarter of the shots are of Edward or Bella or someone else staring at someone or something, and you just want them to get on with it. Do something, don't just sit there like a moron!

So that's about it. He should have bitten her, whole departments fail at their jobs, Stephanie Meyer needs to smacked over the head with her own ridiculousness, and I need to go write about vampires so I'm reminded that not everything in the world is shit.

Also I want someone to play a grand piano for me. That was one of the few things in that sorry little "romance" of which I approved.

Some things

It's odd that I'm posting for the second time is two days. I never do that.

But I've finally decided that I want to be when I "grow up." *drum roll* I want to be a cross between Amanda Palmer and Shawn Harris. If you've never heard of them, I'm not surprised. If you think I'm insane and need career help, I'm even less surprised.

Way to knee Bill in the nuts, Tony. Way to laugh at his misfortune, Jack.

Normally I wouldn't comment on things like this, because I could scarcely give less of a shit about most pop-culture, but I found out today that Peter Lewis Kingston Wentz III and Ashlee Simpson named their son, born today, Bronx Mowgli Wentz. Seriously, guys? As if he isn't going to get enough shit for being famous people's kid, you named him after a section of New York City and the main character from the Jungle Book. Whatever, he'll be more rich than I probably ever will.

It scares me that there's a mini Pete Wentz out there. Next thing you know there will be little Alex Gaskarths. Then my world will explode.

I suck at waiting

Why is it not December yet? Seriously, I need some time off. Of course, by 13.00 tomorrow I'll be off for a week in honour, supposedly, of immigrants in the 17th century surviving a year or a winter or something by killing the natives who lived in this country after taking advantage of learning how to NOT DIE. This holiday is about America's obsession with food, let's face it, as well as Christmas Part 1.

I'm also still waiting on a call— any call— from one of the places I applied for a job. Maybe it's just that I applied to become a wage-slave for huge corporations (yeah, I'm ashamed of me too) but I would think that you'd want to hire and train new employees sometime before the week of Black Friday. But maybe that's just me.

This year isn't the first year that I haven't wanted anything but music, essentially, but it is the first year that my father said that not wanting big is a good thing. I hate that the economy sucks and that there have been a lot of expenses lately, but even more I hate hearing about it. As far as I know, I'm the only of his children to whom he talks— at length— about money issues. True, both of my brothers have moved out and my sister is the youngest, but I don't want to be stuck in the position of fucked-up middle child.

And just because I'm bored, I'll write out the things I really want for Christmas, but won't be putting on my list:
-World Peace
-end to World Hunger
-that purple Japanese-made stratocaster in the music store by my house
-Zack Merrick (or any sexy talented guy, really)
-money contributed to my concert-ticket fund
-money contributed to my tattoo fund
-more music (because I can't get enough and it's personal to me, dammit)

/emo. God, I'm a whiner.

It's days like this I hate everything.

Okay, put aside the fact that Obama got elected, because it is rather great. But what the fuck, California? Passing proposition 8? How is this any different from segregation? I agree with a good friend that the separation between marriage as a legally binding document and marriage as a religious institution is infinitesimal, if not nonexistent, in People's consideration of this decision. Nowadays it's more "oh noes! gay peoples! they want to do me and i'm not gay! don't give them any rights!"

Don't be so self-possessed. They don't want to do you. Don't want gay marriage? Don't get one. Idiot.

The only even vaguely humourous thing about it that I've found is this: http://www.bunny-comic.com/?id=1264 Because when you think about it, the rest of those aren't all that implausible for this country.

Also I'm sick, but that's less important than personal freedoms.